Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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