God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
