Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
