Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
