i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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