i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
