Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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