My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
