Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
