I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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