Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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