apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
