I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I think im going to throw up on grandma
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
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