based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
