you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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