I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Randomize
