So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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