I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
