she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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