hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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