As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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