I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
