We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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