god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
