did you get engaged???
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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