you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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