Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Semen is not good for contacts.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Randomize
