When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
