Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
