I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
