My room smells like vodka and shame
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
