My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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