so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
