I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
