Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
