I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
