The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
She's JV to your varsity
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize