Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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