my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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