Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I could make wine with my vomit
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
