Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
