I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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