How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
