Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
