I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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