Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
