I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
