Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
