Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
