the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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