I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
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