Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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