My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
