so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
porn star boner night. come get it.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
