It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize