Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
