yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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